Seeing Ourselves

In the last few months, I've had the opportunity to do something that each of us must do from time to time -- to look back on our lives and try to determine who we really are. I've discovered in that quest for introspection that this is not as easy a task as it first appears. In fact, seeing ourselves through ourselves may just be an impossible thing to do.

In my search of self, I looked at my current circumstances, my job, my home life, my church, my family, et al. In each of these cases I've found that I am known by a series of labels meant to encapsulate a particular role that I play. In each of these labels I've discovered that I'm never quite on the mark. I doubt anyone ever is. I work with a bunch of great guys and try my best to live up to my role. I'm a Chief Software Architect who hasn't designed anything lately in lieu of fixing software glitches or server problems. I'm a husband to a beautiful wife and I could be a lot more husbandly. I'm a drummer on the worship team who doesn't practice and wings it every Sunday (I say that's why angels have wings). I'm also a youth leader who wonders sometimes if he's doing any good at all. I'm a son who lives far away from home and forgets to call his mom.

So in all these things I've found that labels don't accurate reflect my current state of being. They point out my failures, but worse yet, they stagnate my direction. They are not forward looking, but focus me on the challenges of the present. But who are we really?

Most of us derive our awareness of self through a few demographic parameters. These include not only what we do or how we are labeled, but also where we live, the color of our skin, or our gender or sexual orientation. Perhaps from that information we join groups or organizations so that we can get that allusive sense of belonging. Then we can say things like "I'm a member of the NRA", or "I'm a member of the clean plate club", or whatever makes us feel like we are a part of something bigger. We try to improve our roles in society. We worker harder and longer and for the promise of fifteen minutes of fame our label can garner. Is that who we are? Is that all we are?

If the truth were told I doubt that none of us has a real sense of who we are supposed to be. If we are honest with ourselves we are mostly mimicking those that have come before us. Perhaps we add something to the role, or innovate a little. But I think we are playing a nice long game of "monkey see monkey do". Perhaps the Ecclesiastical notion of there being "nothing new under the sun" is true because, well, it always has been.

This weekend I met a man named Scott who, through no admission of his own, is a prophet. At the school of worship he spoke words into our lives as if he knew the inmost desires of our hearts. I mean, it was actually kind of surreal. But one thing he communicated was that we are not just known by what we do. If we were, then who are we when we no longer do that thing? Do we lose all sense of identity?

My grandfather was an engineer on the railroad at Bethlehem Steel (the one in Bethlehem, PA), and he worked his whole life on the railroad. When he retired, he got a nice pension, a nice watch, and a blue and white striped conductor's hat to hang in the house. But he also got something he didn't bargain for -- a loss of identity. He would tell stories about the railroad and when I was going to college I told him I was going for Engineering. He got excited (I didn't have the heart to tell him it didn't involve railroads). But in a few short years he was faced with a problem, one of life's little dilemmas. He was an old man with no identity, and that took his life.

I made a vow in my teenage years to never fall victim to that fate.

So continuing my search for self, I also began to seek my identity in how others saw me. I have been lucky enough to surround myself with friends and a great family who are not afraid to tell me what they think. During my search I talked to many friends, past acquaintances and pastors. I even talked to relative strangers and strange relatives. But I think the greatest insight came from my mom, but especially my dad. I found that my mom, when asked what he son did, was already telling her restaurant patrons that I was a minister. Then I proclaimed to my dad without any pretense "I'm thinking about going into the ministry", and he replied instantaneously "I was wondering what took you so long!" What can you trust anymore than the reflection emitted from the parents you love, and who love you unconditionally? This may be the closest human reflection we have, but is there something even more accurate?

1 Corinthians 13:12 -- "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

I was told in church a number of years back that Paul was referring in this verse to the primitive mirrors just invented back then. That's a question piece of history and I don't buy that theology. We wake up every morning and look into a mirror. Who do we see? Personally, I don't see me. I see a poor reflection. Now, I don't mean I should go get some Windex and paper towels and clean that thing (although I do need to do that), or that I should get a better mirror with which to see my own lovely face. What we see is not ourselves, we simply see the flesh wrapper around a heart, and in my case the two are very different. In fact, what we see from our labels, or what we do, or what our friends and family think about us are also pretty poor reflections. We can get a good idea -- lean in close and even pop a few zits -- but only a face to face encounter with God can show us our true nature; our true destiny.

One of my favorite verses is Matthew 4:18-20. In this verse we read that "Jesus saw two brothers" and he called to them. But what did Jesus see? I doubt that the magnificent appearance of two fisherman after a hard day's work of gutting fish and casting one more net into the lake was what attracted Jesus. It wasn't their labels or how they saw themselves or what they were doing. I believe that Jesus saw their hearts.

God knew us before we were born. Beyond that, we find that he knows who we are before we do. Check this out in Jeremiah 1:5...

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

This is a verse often used by pro-lifers, but the focus here is that God knows who we are to become and he has a purpose for us before we ever find it. In Jeremiah's case, he was to become a prophet, and sure enough he was one (a major one actually). We find that if we want a true and accurate picture of who we are, we shouldn't use a mirror. We should find God and chat with him: face to face.

Perhaps the process of finding ourselves should really be the process of seeking God. And then when we find Him, ask Him who we are to become, and then become it.